"If something bothers me, it means I reversed things. The problem is not out there. The problem is here."
– Eric Baret
In response to my last blog post ("Undone by Each Other"), a reader commented:
“I think for me it comes down to having cold feet about it all, which is then somewhat reinforced by the ominous sound of terms like ‘becoming undone’ and ‘annihilation’. How can I learn to stand up for myself, in the sense of not forcing myself to do things that are unpleasant/not right, while at the same time also deliberately and consciously deciding to overcome my fear of annihilation and just go for it?”
The practice of becoming undone is foremost an invitation to take full responsibility for one's experience. It means investigating and understanding how I am a co-creator of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. When practiced well, it is a path of liberation through deepening self-insight and self-recognition.
Let me elaborate with a slight detour. Please bear with me.
Common (ordinary) experience
In our ordinary experience, the world appears to be separate and external, with most interactions resulting in either pleasure or pain. Many of us live trying to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. This worldview also extends to how we perceive people and places, often attributing them with "good" or "bad" energy. The goal becomes to seek more of what we like (positive energy) and less of what we dislike (negative energy).
This dynamic gives rise to ideas and practices that folk psychology often reinforces, such as:
"I need to set boundaries to protect myself from harm."
"I need to distinguish between my emotions and yours."
"I need to cleanse myself or my space of negative energies."
In this view, life becomes a battle between good and evil, with a continuous need for vigilance and self-protection.
Buddhist perspective
However, according to Buddhism, this dynamic is mind-created and the primary cause of suffering (dukkha). It is important to know the distinction between pain and suffering. Pain, such as physical injury or emotional loss, is inevitable. Suffering, however, is mind-created and self-inflicted, and therefore avoidable. It arises from how we interpret our experiences—through negative self-evaluations, fear, frustration, or self-pity. “Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional” (Karen Casey)
Suffering stems from clinging to our illusions about reality and selfhood. We tend to see the world as solid and permanent, and ourselves as substantial. When these assumptions are challenged, we react with fear and resistance. This is often referred to as “clinging” or “craving”. In Buddhism, this clinging is seen as ignorance. With a clearer understanding of and a more sober connection to reality, the illusions and the suffering they engender dissolve like a mirage. Not real, mere construction of our mind.
Smooth tree bark metaphor
This difference between the Buddhist and folk psychology perspectives can be illustrated through the metaphor of insects landing on a tree. If the bark is rough or has bulges, the insects can easily land and feed. If the bark is smooth and slippery, they cannot. Folk psychology teaches us to keep away the insects. Buddhism teaches us to smooth the bark. Both result in less insects, but only the Buddhist approach leads to a permanent, sustainable solution.
To become undone...
Now, back to our topic. When I use terms like undone or annihilation, I am referring to cutting through ignorance and ending mind-created suffering. I am neither suggesting to passively accept violations of your integrity, nor to conform to how you think things ought to be. Both are firmly rooted in the dynamic of getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. Quite the opposite of what I propose here.
Instead, the practice of becoming undone is an invitation to take responsibility for how I co-create my experience. It's about investigating the bark, not fighting the insects.
For example:
If I am hurt by someone's words, could it be that I am clinging to a self-image that the remark threatens?
If someone takes advantage of me, could it be that I am not communicating or tending to my own needs?
If I feel lonely, could it be that I’m not sharing what matters most, preventing others from connecting with me meaningfully?
If I feel alienated in my relationship, could it be that I’m not revealing myself honestly for fear of losing my partner?
These questions illustrate that negative experiences seem to have two sides: the external event and how we engage with it. The insect and the bark.
Many of us carry unresolved conditioning from childhood—old strategies that no longer serve us. They make us often underestimate the freedom we have to change our circumstances and overestimate the power situations have over us.
We may perceive "insects" when there are none, or fail to see the gigantic bulges in our bark that even capture insects that did not intend to land on us.
The practice of taking full responsibility for your experience (becoming undone) reveals these patterns and highlights the agency you have to end self-inflicted suffering.
...is a path toward self-recognition.
At House of the Beloved, the path of self-recognition and "being different together" involves a radical choice to smooth the bark. Part of it is to “become undone,” the joyful acceptance of the axe (i.e., reality, friendship, relationship, etc.) that will smooth the bark by cutting off the bulges (i.e., deepen your self-insight and self-recognition). It is a path of transformation that at times can be painful and confronting as we lose our blissful ignorance and the comfort of victimhood. In return, a more sober connection with reality wakes us up to the freshness and immediacy of the moment, like a crystal-clear pool of water.
Lucid. Clear. Still.
Always right here.
“To be affected by an insult is childish. There is no attack. He is not talking to you, but to his projection. Only an identification with a certain self-image produces this hostile feeling.”
- Eric Baret, Let the moon be free
__________________
Can we support you in this process?
Shadow work can help you expose your hidden conditionings
Meditation helps you to gain deeper self-insight and cut through ignorance
Authentic presence teaches you to connect deeply by staying true to yourself
コメント